Know Your Dark Side

Posted: June 10, 2013 in Personal Growth

We all have bad days because life is never ever great all the time. We wish that it was but wishing doesn’t make it so. In our relentless pursuit of happiness we sometimes forget that if we stop for a minute and look back at some of our most difficult moments, the ones that had us on our knees (or almost), the ones that put us in a deep dark hole with no clue as to how to get out, we feel so happy that we made it through the dark and found the light at the end of the tunnel. This light was the light my mother assured me was always there, and if we are prepared to confront the darkness rather than running from it or finding a rock to hide under, the light will eventually find us.

It is human nature to want to feel good all the time and we do whatever it takes to make it happen. Unfortunately it doesn’t always involve good choices, some people turn to alcohol and drugs, others keep themselves really busy to avoid feeling anything other then ‘good’. I have used alcohol for this reason and the effect was only temporary, well at least until the next round. My preferred choice is keeping busy, mainly because it never hurts anyone and I seem to get a lot done.

When I fill my time with lots and lots of things on my ‘to do list’, even making the to do list is sometimes a distraction. In fact I looked at my to do list a few days ago and I am still working on lots of ‘things’, managed to have completed some of them but have added more new ‘things’ than ones I have completed. So my to do list is forever growing. Is this a bad thing?? When I die will I have a list as long as a toilet roll of ‘things’ still incomplete? What struck me hard the other day was that I had lost the desire to do any of it. I was overwhelmed and tired of it all.

Some of the bigger things on my to do list include writing a book (with others in the pipeline), finishing my degree, and finding another job (because my present one is about to end). Most would call these ‘goals’ but I actually don’t favour that word, a goal is kicked or scored and I am not kicking anything except maybe a bad habit and scoring means evaluating what I do against the rest of the world and I for one don’t need that pressure. But aside from that I realised that because I had so many things happening in my life I felt scattered, as if bits of me, bits of my imagination, creativity, ideas and just basically my mind, was all over the place. While I was studying, my mind was sneakily thinking ‘I really must get onto finishing that book’. When writing a blog (such as now) I tend to think I am slacking off on other things such as finishing assignments or doing housework (hohum!) This was all driving me crazy.

So just the other day I did nothing, at least nothing on my to do list. I watched lots of television, spent time with my pets, walked, slept in the middle of the day and basically tried to shut my mind off. It helped. I did it the next day too because I just didn’t feel ready to ‘go back’. I consulted the ‘Runes’, something I do every day and they backed me up telling me it was time to look at my past, get in touch with and do work on my ‘self’ and to trust. So I did. This is where I discovered that I was filling my life with too much to do in order to drown out other things that needed my attention. These other things were not on the to do list, they were on my heart and soul list. Things that I had drifted away from that are important to me, that fire me up with passion. If by letting go of some of the things on my to do list I am seen as giving up in some people eyes then so be it. Culling the list is a priority to my wellbeing. Multitasking is not my forte. I am one of those deep thinking, needs lots of alone time type of people. I don’t handle too many things happening at once very well.

So my to do list, although it still exists is shorter than it was a few days ago and I now have my heart and soul map. I am familiar with this map and I know the major roads on it but its the dirt roads, tracks and lanes that I am interested in exploring now. I am not focused on any list or ‘goal’ I am prepared to go where my heart and soul leads me. I have surrendered to something so much bigger than me.

  1. Oh my, what a completely honest post. I truly feel exactly what you are getting at. I too feel like my list of “things” to do just keeps breeding like rabbits and personally I am not sure I know what to do about it – apart from accepting offers of help from truly amazing people 😉 I think I know where our creativity sometimes goes…it gets sucked up and hidden between the lines in our to do lists!!! Nothing is ever giving up, it is more like detours, scenic drives and redirections – but never giving up…so kudos to you for standing for that. I love the fact that you stole away some time for yourself and managed a “nanna nap” in the middle of the day, see this is why we should live in Spain…they do that everyday! I too took one of these days Friday last week. I did complete a few things that day, but I also gave myself permission to sit and eat breakfast by the beach, gave myself the time to just stroll along the beach, and thought not once about my to do list at home. I am really loving following you in your pursuit, journey, path to where ever you are headed, and love reading each inspired post.

    • rasajack says:

      I haven’t blogged for for so long and reading this blog again is surreal. ‘I have surrendered to something so much bigger than me’ must have been heard by a higher power. Since writing those words over eighteen months ago I have grown in many directions. I let go of the need to be who I thought others wanted or needed me to be including withdrawing from university where I had been determined to attain a degree in counselling to prove that I was more than the job I was currently doing. I have allowed myself to enjoy time off between jobs instead of worrying and feeling guilt about not contributing to household finances, instead accepting that all is well and it is where I am meant to be. I have committed to believing that there is a higher power and spiritual resources always at hand. I am learning how to live a conscious life through attending Lightworker Reflections and feel extremely guided and empowered by what I am learning. My blog written over almost two years ago proves that my soul already knew what was needed for fulfillment and growth and I am so blessed.

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